How to catch a polar bear.
Cut hole in ice.
Place peas around the hole.
When the bear comes to take a pea,
you kick it in the ice hole.
Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice fishing.
One has been having no luck at all, while the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice.
The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," is the reply.
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," the successful fisherman repeats.
"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you." The man spits something into his hand and says very clearly,
"You've got to keep your worms warm."
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"
A guy gets up really early in the morning to go ice fishing.
He goes out onto the ice with his tent, his pick and his fishing rod, and starts to pick at the ice.
Then he hears a big booming voice: "THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
The guy looks around and then starts to pick at the ice again. Then he hears the voice again: "THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
Now the guy is getting a little edgy. He looks up, "God, is that you?"
There is no answer, so he starts picking again. "THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!"
Then the guy yells "God! is that you?"
"NO, IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!!"
Q: What do fishermen and hypochondriacs have in common?
A: They don't really have to catch anything to be happy.
A young boy came to Sunday School late.
His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?
The boy replied, "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat.
He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror.
Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water.
The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface.
Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.